Waiting for him to text me… because I’ll feel annoying as hell texting first.
A little while ago, I had a tumblr boyfriend, who ended up becoming a REAL boyfriend. He lived in California while I was here in Alaska.
We talked&texted all the time.. we fought a lot.. I cried a lot&it’s crazy how I fell for him when.. I didn’t even know what he was.. like? I guess that’s the only word I could use. He had trust issues, maybe that’s a reason we broke up. He didn’t trust me. I mean, who could?
I have a bad past, I’ll admit it. But… I’m not stupid. When I care about someone, when I love someone.. I mean it. I don’t lie about that. I don’t joke about having feelings with someone. If I don’t feel for someone, I make sure they know. &when I do.. I really do. I know myself. I can be this, heartless monster when I want but I won’t lie to myself. I won’t be with a good person&then just ruin things.
Why was it that, you could have female friends but I couldn’t have guy friends? Why was it that every guy I was friends with I was fucking or dating? You never trusted me, you never asked me anything. You always just assumed.
I didn’t even go to my prom because of you. Yeah, I blame you for that one. Jerk.
But.. you know.. I didn’t see much effort in you.
Who called? Who texted? Who was the one who tried to make this impossible relationship work? Not you.
I loved you regardless.
You were a special person to me, you’re going to be.. one of the important ones, the ones that actually MATTER.
I loved your personality, your voice, your attitude, just.. you. &I haven’t even met you. So.. wtf?
I never cheated, I spent a lot of time just writing, I partied with family, you made me turn to drinking&smoking a bit more because of how awful you made me feel.
Momentarily forgetting about you&us was like a relief. Like… I wasn’t being a bad gf, I wasn’t being a liar or cheater I was just crossfaded into nothing. My mind was blank&I was calm. I was at peace.
How could I love someone who made me feel this way? IDK… I just do.
I never fucked anyone while I was with you, I never lied to you, everything I said was true, that night I said “I love you” on the phone I meant, the only thing I can’t promise anymore is going to California because what’s the point?
I was only saving up to go see you.
I still think about you, I still wonder why you just… stopped loving me, and how we went from I love you babe, to fuck you we’re done. I still wanna MEET you, I still want you to come to college here, I wanna send you the dinosaur I got you for Valentines day, I wanna annoy the shit out if you with my text&calls, I wanna hear you say you love me&miss me again, I want you to just fucking TRUST ME.
Now I wonder if you’re gonna say anything or just.. leave everything broken.